bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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