I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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