everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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