He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
