I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
