Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
