Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
