dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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