I want to make a zoo with you.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
