The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
