Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
