We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am available for nakedness
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
