Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
