just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
