I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Two words: blizzard sex
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
