my phone needs a breathalizer
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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