I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm too high and old for this...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
