so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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