After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just gargled with NyQuil
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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