May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
