when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I will be naked everywhere
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
