can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
