I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
