At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
