Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
