I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
