This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
