I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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