I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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