I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
