They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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