i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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