honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
