Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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