sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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