I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
