Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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