i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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