I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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