just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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