The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
