I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
