My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
