I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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