i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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