Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
