I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
