I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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