billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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