Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
