I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
