Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
