Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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