I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
